Bowl Preview: MAACO Las Vegas Bowl

MAACO Las Vegas Bowl
Sam Boyd Stadium, Las Vegas
Oregon State vs. BYU
Date: Dec. 22
Time: 8 p.m.
TV: ESPN (who else?)
Line: Oregon State -2.5

About the Beavers: For the second straight year the Beavers were a game away from the Rose Bowl. Last year they ended up in El Paso. This year, Vegas. A slight step up. OSU is led by a pair of midget brothers, Jacquizz and James. Seriously, how do you name one kid James and the other JACQUIZZ. Either both the kids get crazy names or neither.

Intangibles:
"Beaver" jokes: +1
Mike Riley as coach: +3
Mike Riley as Chargers coach: -4

About BYU: The only school in Division I that has a coach named after a horse (Bronco Mendenhall), BYU once again beat the living beJezus out of the crap-ass dog teams on its schedule, such as Utah State, San Diego State and Oklahoma. Although the Cougars did beat rival Utah, but losing to FSU — at home? Ouch. Makes you want to take a two-year mission to Australia.

Intangibles:
Special underwear: +2
No caffeine, alcohol, tobacco or cursing: -6
Mormonism/Scientology possibly same religion?: -2

Impact Player: BYU QB Max Hall. In the grand tradition of former BYU quarterbacks such as Steve Young, Robbie Bosco, Ty Detmer and Marc Wilson, Hall should try to not be a complete dog in the bowl game. Especially Detmer who has both shoulders separated by Texas A&M after winning the Heisman. Ha. Both shoulders. That still makes me giggle. Does that make me a bad person?

Bowl slogan: "What stays in Vegas is your money, suckers."

Little Known Fact: One of the sponsors of the Las Vegas Bowl is a ventriloquist named Terry Fator, who has a puppet named "Winston, the Impersonating Turtle." Sinatra would be proud.

Watchability (1-5): 3

The Pick: BYU 29, Oregon State 24

Bowl Preview: Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl

Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl
Sam Boyd Stadium, Las Vegas, Nev.
BYU vs. Arizona
Date: Dec. 20
Time: 8 p.m.
TV: ESPN
Line: Arizona –3

About Arizona: The Wildcats are coached by Mike Stoops, or as he’s known in the family, “The Ugly One.” Stoops finally got the Cats to a bowl game this year, saving his job. He relies on a sucky offense and a porous defense. Get ready for about 70 wide receiver screens. That’s the only play I’ve ever seen them run.

Intangibles:
Tucson: +3
Lute Olson controversy: -3
Women’s softball: +4
Torturous summer: -8


About BYU: I can officially say I have been to Provo, Utah now and let me tell you – it’s got a small mountain AND a football stadium. That’s pretty much it. It’s not quite the same as Las Vegas. I wonder if strip clubs are against the BYU code of conduct. Probably not. “Happy Birthday, Jesus! Oh crap, I’m out of ones.”

Intangibles:
Magic underwear: +7
Tabernacle choir: +4
No caffeine: -9


Impact Player: The BYU quarterback. What’s his name? Robbie Bosco or something? Hell, I don’t know. They’re all the damn same. 6-1, mediocre, accurate arm, at least 26 years old because they’ve been in Australia for four years. Suck if they’re hit or there’s any kind of pass rush. Been that way for 10 years. Who coaches that team anyway? The ghost of Lavell Edwards?

Bowl slogan: “Is that your quarter? It’s mine now, sucker.”

Little known fact: Legendary entertainer David Hasselhoff will sing the National Anthem at this year’s game. Nope. I’m not even making this one up.

Watchability (1-5): 10 (just for Hasselhoff anthem) then 3.5

The Pick: BYU 34, Arizona 20

Beyond awkward

Since they announced the bowl pairings I have been railing on the fact that BYU is playing in the Las Vegas Bowl. Look at the photo and you now know what I've been talking about.

Look at BYU coach Bronco Mendenhall, a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, with Arizona's Mike Stoops and two Vegas showgirls. He looks as uncomfortable in a casino as the 'Eye looks in church.

Luckily for Bronco he needs only do this one a year (at most), somewhat similar to 'Eye's religious obligations.